Divorced and still yearning to return…

“I met him whilst I was visiting my grandfather. He was extremely friendly, charming me with his beauty and charisma - he was the man of my dreams. I loved him a lot and so encouraged him to get engaged to me. Despite warnings from my family, who did not consent to the wedding, we got married. He started to treat me with contempt and prohibited me from leaving the house or even making telephone calls. He banned my family from visiting and when I asked the reason behind this change in attitude towards me, he answered me abruptly, “Go ask your mother, who insults me and curses my name! I have recorded the telephone conversations that you had with your mother. I do not want to see anyone from your family in my house ever again.” Despite my reassurances that I did not agree with the behaviour of my mother and despite her own attempt to apologise, my husband continued with his harsh and vile treatment towards me. He started hitting me every time he came and went in to the house. It had turned into a real prison. He refused to let anyone from my family visit unless he was personally present to listen to the words that crossed between us. After nine months of marriage, I gave birth to a boy. He allowed me to go back to my family’s house to provide for the child, where I stayed for thirty days, and then he came and took us home to return to his old habits. It continued in this manner for about two months until I demanded, insistently, that I wanted to go back home. In actual fact, he did take me and my child back to my family house at that point. However, one month passed and he had not come to visit, nor had he bothered to call us, even to ask after his son. I was taken by surprise when I received a court document calling for a divorce.”

I heard of this true story when I met the wife with a friend. She informed me of the inhumane treatment of her husband against her and I said:

“Your story is not the first and won’t be the last that I will hear in this backward society. With everything that has happened to you, you want to return to him even though, as I understand it, your family won’t abandon you and they appear ready to embrace you and care for your son.”

She answered me with tears pouring down her cheeks:

“Sir, ever since childhood at my family home, this oppression of me and my sisters has gone on. No matter what we did, my family would say: “Oh, what dishonour!” Even playing in the streets was forbidden. This is how things were until I grew older and started going to school, and then to the institute - I did not know of anything except my aunt, uncle and grandfather’s home. Then one time, whilst I was at my grandfather’s house, I saw a young, handsome man accompanying my uncle. I fell in love with him at first sight and he went on to become my husband…”

She added saying: “Sir, I don’t want to return to life as it was before my marriage and if he divorces me, how will my family treat me then?! Please help me return to my husband, who I loved sincerely despite what he did to me- this is what is best for me and my son!”

Despite arduous attempts at dissuading her husband, he still insisted on the divorce. This came after repeated apologies from the family and promises not to interfere in their marital life. In the end, he did not leave a door open for reconciliation through his rash assertions of his unjustified opinion. After the divorce was finalised, the wife, broken-hearted and lamenting over her bad luck, returned once again to her family with her son. She holds a certificate from the Institute of Commerce, while her husband had reached the ninth level, with great difficulty. He now practices professionally as a freelance worker.

This is not the only story we have heard, and many similar accounts crop up from time to time - one need only look at the court of justice with its vast number of files, to see the similarities. These stories, however, are kept under the seal of secrecy.

There is no doubt that there are many reasons behind these stories and issues. At the forefront of them is the decline in awareness and a spread of backwardness, poverty and corruption. Equally there is a commonplace view of society that women are placed on a lower level than men, throughout their lives. In addition to this, there is a lack of competence in bringing up children in a decent manner and a large number of restrictions imposed on women. Being exposed to such constraints since childhood makes it easier for young girls to make errors with their first experience in the real world, as a result of the lack of available options in front of them. Also, women suffer from a great lack of confidence, in addition to the laws that are favourably disposed towards serving men’s interests and especially laws concerning personal cases.

It is necessary to mention that circumstances for women in Arab countries have still not reached the level required and that promoting her case and eliminating all kinds of repression and injustice, which have been forced upon her, have become pressing demands. A solution to domestic problems cannot be found unless it is part of a framework of comprehensive political, economic, ministerial, judicial and educational reform geared towards the respect of human rights and freedom, the re-drafting of laws and the modernizing, updating and facilitating of legal and judicial measures. Reform requires every willing and honourable person in order to build this country under every guideline set in the framework of a charter that will unite everyone on the foundation of obligation, international charters, the Sedau agreement, the international oath on civil and political rights and the international declaration of human rights.

What should accompany all of the above is true education in learning how to respect one another. This education should revive our souls and teach us to be considerate in relations with others, all as part of our common humanity. It is also a society established on respect and appreciation for women and enlarging their role within in it, acknowledging their rights and duties and the necessity of balance between duties and rights.

Real upbringing is not achievable with rules alone, rather the latter supports the moral and spiritual qualities which are instilled in the soul and protected by an upbringing built on role-models and strict moral code.